Writing With A Narcissist

So let's talk about writing. Let's talk about how it's something I think about doing often and yet never seem to accomplish. Let's be honest and say that I've actually started many drafts of something to say on this blog and yet find my thoughts too often too jumbled to make a coherent thought out of them and they shall stay reserved in this website until one day I become famous and like Dvorak find success with my earlier work after the later work is considered acceptable and appeasing to the public eye. (Who knows, maybe this draft will fall into that category of unfinished drafts for the thousands to analyze hundreds of years from now.) Let's talk about how no matter what I ever try to accomplish on this blog it never seems to work out. I think I have the perfect scenario to write something, and then it all falls apart. Let's talk about how I seem to hold myself to an unspoken standard for blogging that I invented. Let's talk about how that's probably a really bad sign of narcissism. Let's talk about how I spend way too much time thinking about a variety of different subjects, but never have the ability to bounce my ideas off of people in order to be able to refine them.

As you can see, we have a lot to discuss. But in light of all of this, the only things motivating me to continue to write at the moment is my shear desire to be original and witty. What? You say? I am a narcissist? Well so be it then. But only for the sake of this writing. The fact is I spend way too much time trying to find the perfect way of expressing exactly what I'm thinking only to become to flustered in my attempts to not be exactly like everyone else. So hopefully this will break the mold. Unlike some overly emotional posts that I've done in the past where I my soul is plein d'ennui and I find myself regretting everything I say simply because I'd been drinking and staying up too late. (For those of you desiring to have a depressing look at your soul just follow the formula found above and enjoy! Or rather, drink up!) So let's talk about these "emotions," shall we?

You see, there is far too much bullshit out there as a result of our emotions. And although satire has always existed in order to mock the norms that we seem to superimpose upon ourselves, we still find ourselves bound by them. Take church for example. Church is a great reflection of American society in particular. We all desire to attend a church where we believe that we are not only truly communing with God and worshiping Him in truth, but also where we can be honest with one another about our sins and find encouragement from our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. Yet in reality, we show up every Sunday hoping to find something that doesn't exist through our emotions. Not willing to break out of the mold and be too expressive or emotional, or perhaps thinking that the mold will somehow change us. Well allow me to be so bold as to say that perhaps we've given far too much credence to these norms and molds and other Freudian theories that sadly seem to play too large of a role in our lives. Is it even possible anymore for someone to make a decision that isn't based on emotion?

Even what I'm saying right now. Is it really based off of anything but frustration and loneliness? Emotions that I'll freely admit I've given far too much attention to, particularly in the past few weeks. So let's talk about what's actually going on here. In a word, omphaloskepsis. What? Did my increasingly large and perhaps intimidating use of vocabulary get you all turned around? Well perhaps the German translation will help. Nabelschau. Literally translated both words mean looking at your navel. It's brilliant. Do you look at your navel often? Do you ever look down at your navel and wish it were an "inney" or perhaps an "outey"? Do you ever wish there weren't so much stuff around your navel because then it might actually "look cute" and that guy you've been thinking about might notice you? (I promise it's the only thing we men think about. Navels are vastly underrated and I don't think women worry about them enough.)

What I love so much about this antiquated term is that it defines our generation perfectly. Perhaps a more 21st century translation might be "having one's head up one's own ass." We're stuck up and completely self-absorbed.  We've been looking at our navels for so long we've forgotten to look around at anyone else, but it's okay, because everyone else is wandering around doing exactly the same thing. I think my favorite part of this word is the vivid imagery that comes with it. Imagine you're on the subway and every single person around you is looking down at their belly buttons. It's priceless. But in reality, isn't that what's going on?

Even though our eyes aren't actually looking down at our belly buttons most of the day (usually just for an hour), we act as if there is nothing more important in the world. But is it really an act? Perhaps our belly buttons are really that important? And who's to say otherwise, huh? You're not the boss of me. You can't tell me what to do. Don't judge me. My belly button is a goddess. I've worked hard to make my belly button look this good!

You're right. It's your "belly button." But it doesn't belong to you. You might have worked hard to make your belly button the most attractive belly button in the world, with a very dashing piercing that accentuates only its best features, but you didn't earn it. It was given to you, as a gift. It was created by someone much smarter than you, and you act as if it's yours to run around with and poke holes in. Well allow me to burst your bubble and tell you that our lives are about much more than ourselves. What? You're not the boss of me. You can't tell me what to do. Don't judge me. My belly button is a goddess.

Right, I get it. Your belly button is beautiful, no matter what I say. Words can't bring you down. Kelly Clarkson and Pink will be sure to inspire us with more somehow increasingly unflattering language to make our belly buttons feel better. You gotta get up and try. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Blow me one last kiss. I will survive. It's raining men. Whatever. I don't really get it. All meant to "empower" us. To motivate us, as i'twere. Strangely, I don't think it's working. My belly button doesn't make me feel better.  Sure it's always there with me, but then again, so is chest hair. And ain't nobody got time for that.

But I ramble. As usual. But isn't that just it? In that hour a day that we spend looking down at our own belly buttons we could be learning a new skill, gaining knowledge, or perhaps even, help another person. What? Blasphemy! My omphaloskepsis is crucial to who I am. Don't make me tell you my belly button is a goddess again!

Ok, fine. Please, just no more belly button goddess talk. I think the joke is sufficiently dead.

Agreed.

But here's my problem with myself, and with others I meet. We're so obsessed with trying to figure out what we're doing with our lives by looking in, that maybe, if we lifted our eyes and looked up for once, we might actually see what's going on. This is why having others in our lives is so critically important to leading lives of humility and service. Let me tell you something, as someone who speaks from experience. Living be yourself is not conducive to humility or service. Guess who you serve every day? Yourself. Whatever I think, is best, always. Why? Because there's no one around to tell me otherwise.  Isn't that right, belly button?

My sister once told me that when you're single your life is one dimensional and that when you get married it becomes two dimensional and once children enter the picture via the stork it becomes three dimensional. (People always underestimate the stork...) Remarkably, however, instead of going from looking at our own belly buttons to looking at someone else, we simply suck them in to our perception of what we think our belly buttons should look like, as accessories. Such a lovely picture of marriage isn't it? Welcome to the 21st century!

We continue to live in one dimensional existences and hope that we might be able to work out a way to have two people with one dimensional perspectives last. And welcome again to the recurring problems of 21st century American  society. Because if someone tells us to give up what we want, or my dreams, or what's best for me, then damn them! They speak a Gospel of lies and hatred.
Thank you Freud. I think your time on Earth was well spent ruining the lives of millions of people and making the possibility of dealing with rational individuals on a regular basis utterly impossible. On behalf of rational people everywhere, I say to you, "Read between the lines!" On behalf of those who try to promote the consumerism wins all mentality, I say, "Thank you for making our lives so much easier."

Do we not realize how easy we've made it for them? Allow me to put this in plain belly button terms for you to understand. "Call today, and we'll make your belly button look better than it ever has!" "You thought you were happy with your belly button, but that was before we introduced you to, the brand new technologically up to date super sexy amazing belly button!!!" "All of your belly button dreams can come true!"

In many respects, I'm so glad I don't work in advertising or marketing. I can't imagine trying to coerce millions of people to purchase something that they have lived without for their entire lives, and convince them that it is vital to their future happiness and contentment in life. It's only because we are so obsessed with ourselves that we give them this opportunity. It's just sad. Amazingly, somehow the idea of altruism still exists today. But even more sad, is that exists only as a means of suppressing guilt. How nice that even charity is a reflection of greed.

The fact is, there's only one hope to fix this problem. I'm going to get A NEW BELLY BUTTON!
Other witty conclusions include, kill Freud (notwithstanding the assumption of his death almost 75 years ago), as well as kill everyone.

But seriously, how are we supposed to exist in a culture that is so obsessed with themselves that they can't even take a moment out of their day to be considerate of an old lady crossing the street? Are our lives so petty and our emotional and psychological states so fragile that if someone looks at us the wrong way, we turn into passive aggressive monsters who were "bullied"? And that's why we aren't responsible for our actions?

I'm saddened to have to say these things. To have to try and make an attempt at an original and hopefully comedic metaphor out of belly buttons in order to get people's attention. I thank God, however, that He is in control. Belly buttons can be depressing. And although I'm not in a position where I understand what is going on because I'm still spending too much time looking at my own belly button, I'm grateful for His work in my life that has given me the ability to be able to even recognize some of these qualities and the consequences of them on our lives. I hope that this was enjoyable for you all to read, perhaps might encourage some thought, and hopefully not too much Nabelschau. Until next time, Cheers!

The Importance of Community and Interdependence.

Good morning all, I know it's been a while since I've wrote on here, somehow I feel like I should be writing more, even though I'm actually writing almost every day. I'm working on this really great devotional which for the moment shall remain nameless, simply because it's rather personal. However, the questions posed within this testament have challenged me greatly in the past few months as I've been working through it day after day, and this morning the question and importance of community was examined. Not community simply for community's sake, but for the sake of Christ. Living lives of interdependence towards the end goal of being united in harmony as members of the body of Christ who all live and work together for their common good and for the glory of Christ. Quite a lofty goal, isn't it? Doesn't sound like something on a daily basis most people pursue.

The subject is examined in light of the fact that the majority of most evangelicals in America view their responsibility towards their church and their fellow believers to be distant, at best. We are vastly independent in our faith and more often than not it turns into a Jesus + Me story. We don't look at the corporate aspect of our faith and when we do, it's extremely limited.

In light of these observations, a few more observations. First, this sort of radical independence is something that Evangelicals in America fall into quite naturally as proud independent Americans who embrace all notions of freedom in practically any capacity (whether we realize it or not), there are a number of American Evangelicals who have turned corporate worship into a solitary confinement where their place of worship is at their desk or kitchen table where they find the most meaning and comfort from God. Not that private devotion isn't important, good, and necessary, but it isn't ultimate. Ultimately, we are members of the Church and Christ came to die for His Bride, the Church of which we, as individuals are all members, however, the membership has requirements more than simply saying a little prayer to get you into heaven, and showing up to church on a daily basis and scattered other social functions with the church's name on it.

Second, as important as I find the element of community and corporate worship and living together to be, I want to be careful when referencing scripture concerning the matter. In practically every discussion I have ever had on the subject, no one passage of Scripture is quoted more than Acts 2. And for good reason. On the day of Pentecost after Christ had been resurrected the Holy Spirit came down as Christ promised He would, and was imparted to thousands of people who then began living lives of corporate worship together and sharing all things in common, etc. The picture is a beautiful one, and one that I think ought to be admired. However, I think the passage has been misconstrued far too often by either using the passage to defend a worldview of communism or worse a hippy lifestyle, or it is projected onto Evangelicals as the ideal and set up on a pedestal of where American Christians should be today. Both of these perspectives worry me because I've seen the repercussions of them vividly in my own Christian experience.

The image ends up being downplayed to elements of the human realm, when in reality, there has never been a greater moment in the history of mankind outside of the God-Man Jesus Christ being on the Earth. This occasion in Scripture is one of those incredible moments where the spiritual realm and the human realm are blended together and the result reflects its severity.

For us to try and recreate those 1st century believers I think is silly. Allow me an example to illustrate my point. Christ celebrated the Last Supper in an upper room in Jerusalem with the 12 disciples and said, "Do this in remembrance of me." For thousands of years, the church has received the Eucharist through a service at church where the significance and importance of the Eucharist is explained on a weekly basis. We don't limit receiving communion to being in a small room for twelve people at a specific time of year. We've taken the circumstances and used Scripture to re-enforce the best possible way to receive the elements that nourish our souls as Christ appointed them too. Nowhere in Acts do we see Luke saying, "worship together in this way."

I understand that I'm delving into a very large pool of subject matter on which much has been said, written, and understood by men and women far more intelligent and understanding than I, however, my point is this; we need to look at the passage in Acts 2 as a reference point of something that is good, but not something that is ultimate. Trying to recreate the Acts 2 church isn't going to solve your problems. However, living lives of communal worship and making habits of living daily for one another and dying to self at any cost, that will change your life and cause you to re-evaluate what problems you might have.

I think the American Evangelical church desires at its core to create a community of interdependent Christians, but is so consumed in its consumerism and blatant autonomy that it can't see how lost it is. Any time there is a discussion about the body of believers being more important than the individual I am always reminded that this is the perspective of the Catholic church. They teach this very heavily and as a result, those who properly understand the Catholic faith live lives that reflect this important truth and it becomes apparent to all who know them because the choices they make are interdependently oriented.

So how shall we then live? In light of all of this, I think it's important that we foster habits of selflessness. We need to become more aware of how truly selfish and prideful we are. Similarly, we need to be willing to be vulnerable with one another. If we can't trust other Christian brothers and sisters, then we can't trust anyone. (If you want a practical example of what that life looks like you need look no further than the devastation that exists within many of the communities in Brazil.) Removing our pride, becoming vulnerable to one another, and pursuing lives of service to one another, to the greater body of believers and non-believers, and in so doing, serving Christ, this is what ought to be ultimate in our lives.

These are ideas that have been mustering around in my head for quite a while, and I'd be very open to feedback and questions and observations that anyone might have. Thank you all for reading and I hope this was edifying and challenging to you. 

My How My Perspective Has Changed

I haven't had a chance to write in a little while but because I am fortunate enough to be in the middle of two days off in a row, I'm finding myself with a little bit of time to do the things that I really enjoy without feeling rushed to run out the door to work. I've actually started a number of posts and haven't shared them because they've been too much ranting about how much I wasn't enjoying Texas and my negative observations about a group of people that I really haven't had enough experience with in order to make a clear judgment either way. One thing I do know however, that has not changed, is that I miss the cold, I miss the fall, and I need water!

I've always had a draw towards lakes, the ocean, any body of water really and now, living in San Antonio I feel that draw more than ever. I hope that my next stop will take me to either the East or West Coast of the Unites States, but that still remains to be seen whether or not that will actually happen.

Today however, I don't want to talk about Texas but rather about how my perspective on social situations has changed. Being an intrinsically extroverted person, I've never struggled in my adult life in social situations. But I realized recently that the way in which I now make friends, acquaintances, and network with people has changed drastically. In high school and college, making friends was merely a matter of becoming comfortable with people that I was already surrounded by on a daily basis and just drumming up enough courage to say, "Hi! What do you like to do?" Eventually, good friends were made and the details of how we met or became friends became unimportant in comparison to the gratitude that we all hold for each other in being friends.

But real life doesn't afford the same circumstances. I almost find that to be sad, but in truth it's realistic. I have to work harder at making friends and establishing good relationships with people and it takes a lot longer simply due to the fact that we all have real jobs and other obligations.

I used to hold to the idea that I could become very close friends with someone in a matter of spending 6 hours with them depending on the sort of connection established in that time. What I have come to learn especially in the past couple years, is that my truest friends are the ones who know my life outside of the circumstances that brought us together in the first place. Simply because we went to college together and share similar values doesn't mean that we are very close even though we are friends. I remember in high school I had a friend who I invited into every aspect of my life and now when we see each other she understands much better than most the full extent of what I'm talking about. Today, it's very rare for me to have such a friend. Even when talking to my best friends in the world, I will surprise them by saying I'm jetting off somewhere around the country to go visit someone they've never heard me mention before.

The argument could be made that if I hadn't mentioned them before, then they must not be very important to me, if my "best friends" have never heard of them before. However, I don't think that's true at all, particularly for me. Even though I do have many friends who I treasure and value deeply, many of them never meet each other. I don't really have "groups" of friends. I have friends, who sometimes gather into a group, but they are not a group of friends. What I mean by this is simply that I establish a connection with individuals, not groups of people. It's remarkable actually. I can connect with two people on an individual basis and when those two people come together in a social situation with me, I literally don't know what to do. I relate to each person in their own way, and so trying to connect two people together who don't know each other in the way that I know them causes me great frustration and ultimately to shut down socially. It's only when the two people know me well enough to know that this is what's going on and say, "Ben, it's ok. Just do what you want to do," that I finally feel free to establish a new level of connection between the three of us.

It's so strange. But I honestly believe it's a gift. It's also one of my largest motivations for considering getting my masters in Christian Counseling. I connect with people at the individual level because I desire naturally to invest in them and help them to improve. Even professionally speaking I do the same thing. I make friends at work and I desire to see them improve their lives. I try to motivate them to challenge themselves to do better and hope they are grateful for the challenge and don't hold it against me.

Ultimately, it has everything to do with Christ. I want to challenge people to get beyond themselves and see Christ. We all have barriers that block and inhibit our ability to see this world through the lens of Christ and I hope that perhaps Christ might use me as He has used others in my life to help me see through His lens as an instrument for His glory. We all have a mission while we are here on Earth. I believe that the mission that God has given me is to connect with people and I pray that through my relationship with them they might turn more towards Christ in prayer and thanksgiving in all things.

If I could accomplish this with just one person, then I know that my life will have been worth it. I have no desire to change the lives of thousands through great speeches and millions of dollars. But if I am privileged enough one day to hear the words of my own child say, "I am the person I am today in Christ because of my father" that will be enough for me. The impact that one person can make in terms of the community of believers, to me, is one of the most beautiful aspects of life.

There is much more that could be said on the subject, but for now I will leave you with this. Although my mode d'emploi of making friends has changed, the goal has remained consistent. To consistently seek to bless others and draw them closer to Christ in all things is all I can hope to achieve in this life. That's who I am, and who I believe God made me to be.

That's what I got for now. I hope this wasn't too tedious and thanks for sticking with me to the end. Have a great day! Ciao for now!

When Bad Things Happen To Good People

This Sunday morning I woke up to my alarm clock telling me it was time to get into the shower in order to get to church on time. Upon opening my eyes I noticed that for the first time since I moved to Texas it was pouring rain outside my window. The other day it had rained for most of the evening, however by the morning the rain had stopped and people were able to pretend like the wet stuff had never touched the ground. However, this morning my window was stained with water marks streaking down the glass and it made me feel like I was at home. My fan had been blowing all night and giving me the morning chill I love so much. The one where all you have to do is readjust your position under your blanket and suddenly a burst of warmth you didn't realize was there encapsulates your being and makes it that much more difficult to get out of bed.

After hitting the snooze button a couple times and debating how to move forward with this Sunday morning, I finally got out of bed and made my cup of coffee and decided that rather than going to church this morning, I would spend my time this Sunday by myself listening to a sermon by Tim Keller. My wonderful father, before I left on my road trip down here to Texas gave me an iPod full of sermons by Tim Keller and highly recommended a few of the sermon series that he placed on there.

I listened to a couple of the sermons on my way down and since then have even spent some of my quieter mornings just sipping my coffee and listening to one of these sermons as well. Generally speaking, I'm pretty active in terms of my devotional ritual. On Sunday mornings I like to go to church for Sunday School, then the actual service, and then stay for lunch and talk to people about the sermon before having to go to work. Even in my daily devotional ritual I usually spend at least an hour reading and writing about the book of Acts. (For those who don't know, I've been working on and off for the past two years on a personal commentary on the book of Acts.)

Every once in a while though, usually after a pretty exhausting couple of days, I can't seem to cope with the idea of focusing in on worshiping God in my usual determined, goal oriented way. And on those days I take comfort in knowing that God does not require of me to worship Him in the same way every day. And so this morning I decided to simply relax and listen to a Tim Keller sermon from his series on Repentance.

What's funny to me is that at times I feel like my experience as a Christian and my father's experience as a Christian are so different that there is almost no way we could both find the same pastor to be so edifying. And yet, low and behold, here I am writing about how clear and easy to understand Tim Keller is, while at the same time retaining his dedication to a biblical exegesis of Scripture. Although he is preaching to a congregation in the heart of NYC, his words expand to all who call upon Christ as their Lord and Savior. He has a tremendous gift for understanding that in our 21st century culture we are so bogged down by false pre-suppositions and poor nomenclature, that all understanding of truth has been distorted to the point where we have millions of people in the USA who have no idea what life is all about and how to live it. This is not solely an American problem, however, it is one that must be tackled and I think Tim Keller does an amazing job of not only tackling it, but doing so efficiently and with clarity.

In his sermon on repentance this morning this morning he makes a statement that struck me for a few different reasons and it is on this point that I would like to continue. He says, when something bad happens to people, i.e. a tower falls over in Siloam and 18 people are killed, the question asked by people either consciously or sub-consciously is, "Why did that happen to those people and not others or me?" "Were those people greater sinners/worse people than me that they deserved to die and I do  not?"

The response that Tim Keller has to this question is remarkable because it is so backward thinking from what we are used to today, because in truth the idea is so prosaic, that we've forgotten its truth.
The question isn't "Why do bad things happen to good people?" But rather, "Why don't bad things happen more often?" Meaning, why does God spare us from calamity rather than allow us to be killed in the tower in Siloam? The pre-supposition that Dr. Keller accurately points out that most Christians today hold to is that somehow God owes us a comfortable life. Somehow, somewhere in the course of history, we got it into our heads that we deserve good things to happen to us. When in reality, if you are a Christian and you understand the radical destructive nature of sin, then you understand that you need an even more radically powerful Savior with the power to break you of your addiction to sin and turn your feet towards the path of righteousness.

We do not deserve a comfortable life. By no means. We have done nothing to deserve it, and yet the statement, "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" would imply that we deserve good things to happen to us, that God somehow owes us a good life. But the reality is that it is God's grace that spares us from calamity and suffering. We deserve to suffer because we are sinners. We do not deserve God's grace, and yet we are so fundamentally self-centered and sinful that we have totally forgotten that all that we have comes from God's hand, and nothing we have done enables us to say, "I deserve these good things."

And yet we act like that! We say in our hearts, "I've worked so hard for these good things to happen to me." But there is no satisfaction in that. There is no joy in that. What Tim Keller tells us is that repentance is a necessary doctrine for all times in our lives. When we are sad we repent. When we are happy we repent. When we are mad we repent. We need to always be repenting. And not in a sense of, "I feel guilty and God needs to forgive me because I did something wrong." But in the truest sense of repentance where we recognize how unworthy we are of the good things that God has given us, and how lucky and grateful we should be to know that we have a Savior in Jesus Christ who intercedes on our behalf to the Father that we might live. True repentance, as Tim Keller puts it, comes when you recognize how truly terrible and unworthy you are, and at the same time how perfectly loved and received you are into Christ's Kingdom as a result of His shed blood on the Cross.

"You are more evil than you could ever imagine and at the same time, you are more loved than you could ever know." This is the amazing tension of Christianity that ought to cause us to be continually repenting. It's this worldview and framework that reveals to us the true nature of our relationship to Christ and how desperately we need Him. I hope you find this encouraging Reader. I encourage you to find this sermon series and be blessed by it, just as I have on a lazy, rainy Sunday morning.

That's all for now. Ciao and God Bless!

Hilary Hahn and Bach

This evening, as I sometimes do, I began browsing around some of my favorite musicians websites. This search naturally took me towards the website of Ms. Hilary Hahn. I have written before of her playing and albums. Her Higdon and Tchaikovsky album I critiqued on my other blog while I was living in Europe almost 18 months ago. I enjoyed the album and actually my appreciation for it has grown over time, as all fine quality music does. Miss Hahn will be releasing a new album in the coming months of 27 new encores written for solo violin. It's a very exciting project and I am excited to see what comes of it, considering her talent and ability to interpret a composers wishes so precisely.

What surprised me this evening, however, was to look at her discography and see that her very first album that she released fifteen years ago in 1997 were the complete Bach sonatas and partitas. A bold task for any musician, especially one of her age. Yet her interpretation of the infamous Bach Chaconne has become the standard recording for many violinists today. What I am asking myself today, however, is how her interpretation would sound different today. If I have one critique of Miss Hahn, it is that her sound is very consistent and sometimes lacks excitement. Balance and consistency is key to the playing of Bach, which is why her interpretations are so stellar. However, with those strengths being so accentuated in all of her playing i wonder if perhaps her interpretation today wouldn't be exactly the same as it was 15 years ago. Of course there would be definite maturation of sound, perhaps slight differences in articulation. But overall I picture no great difference.

For an artist with her depth and understanding of music, it surprises me that her tone is as consistent as it is. She established such a mature sound at such a young age, I almost believe that she plateaued with that first recording. Her interpretations of modern works are so clean and precise that she champions whatever is presented in front of her with such perfection that the works almost seem to daunting to attempt afterwards.
However, the classcs are open to such wide variety of interpretation that I honestly prefer many other violinists recordings to hers for many of the classic concertos such as the Mendelssohn, Beethoven, and Tchaikovsky.

I don't mean to be unnecessarily critical, but I believe that artists have a responsibility to branch out and try new things. I believe that Hahn has done an outstanding job of inspiring new compositions from multiple different composers and exposing the public to new works they might not otherwise listen to, I simply desire to see more pain and passion within her playing and not so much arithmetic.

These are the thoughts of a violinist on a Monday night. Who knows what the rest of the week might hold. Have a wonderful evening. Bye for now!

The Age of Not Believing

The title of this post comes from one of my favorite childhood movies, Bed Knobs and Broomsticks. And yet nothing further in this post will have anything to do with said favorite childhood film. What am I not believing you ask? Or perhaps, better yet, who is not believing? Well let me tell you! Everyone! That's who! Allow me to elaborate before you become altogether too confused and bored to continue reading.

I'm 23. Almost 24. College graduate. Recently employed. What does this mean professionally speaking? Absolutely nothing. The fact is that although I am no longer a college student and am seeking to establish myself professionally, no one professional actually takes me seriously because I'm 23, almost 24, and a recent college graduate. I have come to realize that I am stuck, yet again, in a period of life in which only certain people can identify with me. Maybe that's all life is. Maybe it's the reason why old people only hang out with old people. Or parents only hang out with other parents. I suppose it makes sense. But at the same time. I'm still miffed. I don't look at old people and think, "I can't identify with you do to your ridiculously large age." I seek to learn from anyone that will take the time to sit down and talk to me about what's going on in their own life and the questions they are asking.

I'm frustrated because I enjoyed college, but I am grateful that it is over. It was fun. I learned a lot, I practiced violin more than I ever thought I would, and now, I am working at a restaurant and hardly practicing violin at all, desperately trying to keep up both my French and German skills, and deciphering between grad school and seminary in France. All that aside, I think simply having the respect of other young professionals would aide me in my decision making process.

It really comes down to community. While at Hillsdale I had a great community of like-minded friends and believers who encouraged me and challenged me daily. Nowadays, I have to actively seek out anyone my age that lives near me and pray that they understand only a small portion of where my life is and can offer me at least some moral support.

Here's the thing. I had a great night tonight. I served Mayor Dave Bing and made a decent amount of money. I was able to get out of work a little after 10pm, which is shocking, and will hopefully be able to get a full night's sleep tonight to rest me to be able to work a double tomorrow.

But I had no one to share that with, besides you, dear reader, and look how faithful to you I have been. No one I could call and share my little victory with. Life simply continues, and no one knows the difference. I suppose perhaps I am simply saying, "Hey! Someone pay attention to me!" But I think it's more than that. I believe that life brings us various trials with the different stages that we go through as well, and I think this sentiment of loneliness is one of the greatest trials that I am dealing with at the moment. I know it's not forever. (Praise the Lord!) But the difficulty and question remains? How do I go forward? What is supposed to propel me forward into whatever stage might be next? These are the questions I am asking and seeking answers for. If you have any, let me know. Also, if you know of anyone who is around 23-30,Christian, and wants to live in the metro Detroit area, let me know, cause it would be great to get a roommate and move out of my parents house. And I know they would appreciate it too.

That is all for now. I will try to be more consistent in the future. We'll have to see if I am fortunate enough to be blessed with more evenings like this in the future. Ciao Ciao!

The Warring of Desire

Two Sides:

The side of faith, trust, obedience to law, of eyes gazing upward, of thoughts extending beyond the present towards an eternity totally unknown to the faithless.

The side of emotion, letting go, obedience to myself, of eyes gazing inward, of thoughts grounded in the moment being totally validated by a culture of lost souls.

Each and every one of us upon reading these words can identify in some way or another.

Those who are not saved will not understand what I am referring to because for you, only one side exists. If any of those words in the first side spoke to you and you do not know Jesus Christ as your Savior, then be glad because that means the Holy Spirit has already begun to work within you.

However, if the second side is how you perceive your reality, then I pray that you will find Jesus soon for it will only lead you toward loss and suffering greater than anything you might be able to imagine.

Two Sides:  God’s side or Man’s side. You choose! Paul put it this way in Romans:

Romans 7:18-25 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, with the mind I myself serve the law of God, but with the flesh the law of sin.

As a Christian I struggle with doubt and fear as a direct result of this warring in my soul. The question of What If remains at the forefront of my mind at all times until I receive a momentary distraction through television, conversation, food, and any other good gift that God has given me that I have abused to satisfy my own cravings and fears.

Fear.

Am I afraid or do I fear? You know what’s interesting about being afraid and fearing something. One is an action verb and the other is a state of being. Puts fear into perspective doesn’t it? You have a choice. You can choose to give in to fear. Sometimes we don’t even know what we are giving into and we do it naturally because we don’t know any better. Man, that sucks! Wouldn’t it be nice if when we responded to something out of a gut instinct it would be the “right” reaction? Sadly, sin has crept itself into even the very core of our instincts so that we respond against God instead of for Him.

So what do we do? Learn from Paul and Praise the Lord that He has forgiven those sinful instincts and given us the opportunity through the Holy Spirit to learn from our sins and turn ourselves towards Christ and His grace.

You want to know what fear looks like. Something like this:

Have you ever asked yourself the question What if? What if I had taken a different job? What if I had married someone else? What if I had been born in a different family? What if I was born in a different country? Who would I be? Why am I who I am today?

What if every decision that we make has a consequence? What if those consequences are real? What if with every word that we speak we are shaping ourselves and others? What if I never got the chance to speak to that person again? What if all of these questions are wrong? What if there are no consequences? What if there is no reason?

Do you know what the common thread between each of these questions is? Doubt and Fear.

I find the insurance industry utterly fascinating because it works off of one pre-supposition: What If? All around the world millions of people have purchased insurance just in case. Someone a very long time ago suggested the idea of insurance and in so doing created not only an extremely marketable business model, but also entrapped us all into paying thousands of dollars every year out of fear. Is insurance good? I would venture to say no. Is insurance necessary? Today, I would sadly say yes.

I ask myself every single day What If? Why me? Why this?

Why has God made me the person that I am and not something else? Why have I experienced the things that I have and not others? Why has God structured my life in such a way so that I do certain things but not others?

I have seen specific events occur in my life that have drastically shaped who I am and I know what the opposite result would have been had those events not occurred. What does that mean? It means there are two sides and my life reflects of the side that I have chosen most often. Does that mean I have always chosen God’s side? By no means! But in terms of the large scale scope of events in my life, I have turned away from giving into my natural desires for doing the harder thing more often than not.

And yet.

These two words haunt me through film and music every day. Why you ask? Because every time I see a movie or hear a song that talks about giving into those desires, expressing who you are, being true to yourself, and living with no regrets, I fall victim to the onslaught of the other side and ask myself, “is it really worth it?” Is it worth it to choose God’s side and not my own?

Honestly, if I were not a Christian, I would probably have pursued going to college at a secular institution like U of M and would probably be seeking to make a career or something like it on Broadway. The instinct to sing and dance at all times is a very natural one to me. The idea of expressing the human experience through voice, instruments, dance, and all other forms of artistic expression is one of the most natural and understandable things in the entire world to me.

I might be the least scientific person in the entire world. I got a C- in Bio 1-0-Stupid. But the idea of expressing one’s self through some sort of physical action is almost more natural to me than breathing.

I look back on my life and I see how the college that I chose truly shaped who I am today in such an incredible way. Similarly, I also see how my grandfather’s death when I was 11 and the depression that lasted for 3 years afterwards also tremendously affected me.

Why do I play the violin? Why do I speak French? Why do I love pizza so much? Did god really have all of these things in mind for me? In my mind I know the answer is yes. And yet, (there are those damned words again) in my heart I know I question it. It is in my heart that my questions and doubts and fears lie. Not in my mind. The heart is the fountain of all things deceitful to me.

Trying to give it away is the most arduous and difficult thing for me to do. I desire in my mind and in a portion of my heart to give my heart in love to God. to fall in love with my Savior day after day and rest in His arms of grace that protect and guide me until the day when I will be called into His kingdom and will enter with tears of complete and utter joy as all of the burdens of this life and warring of my soul has ended. When God’s side will have won and Man’s side will have lost. Where the Creator retains forever that which He has created.

But until that day comes I will continue to war. The warring in my heart and soul and mind will continue day after day. I will doubt. I know I will. I will sin. I know I will. But, (perhaps some have argued is the greatest word in the Bible) I will not change sides. My choice has been made. There is no turning back. I will want to turn back and in the process of always changing direction might become dizzy, but Praise the Lord that His Holy Spirit it right there to stop me from spinning to refocus my thoughts, attitudes, and actions towards Christ again.

Lord, I pray. Do a good work in me. Not for my sake, but for Your Name. That name that is above all other names: Jesus Christ. Amen!

The Plan

Let's talk about "The Plan."

Originally my plan had been to write frequently on this blog about my love of music, wine, food, and occasional observations about working in the food service industry. That plan hasn't panned out quite as I had intended.


Intended though. Has anything in our lives truly been accomplished as we "intended" it? I intended to graduate from Hillsdale College in the spring of 2010 with a music major in violin performance. That did happen....sort of. Although I had finished my music major by graduation what I had not intended when I began my degree in the fall of 2006 was to add a French major and a German minor. In fact, learning both French and German were at the very bottom of my priorities list. The only reason I actually took French in the first place is because of my inane desire to be a non-conformist and NOT take Spanish like everyone else, and I couldn't stand the sound of German.

Now look at me. Looks at where my intentions got me. Not only taking both French and German but giving up on a career as a violinist all together (as occupation not avocation) and reminiscing on 6 months passed in Europe just this time last year. So what does this tell me? The obvious answer is that we are not in control. Solomon says it best. Proverbs 16:9 "A man's heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps."

In other words, each of us has intentions about where our lives will go and where we desire for it to go, but ultimately it is the Lord who governs our paths. Here's the interesting part to me. Whenever I make a plan, I stick to it as if my life depended on it. A bullheadedness that I am sure I got passed down genetically from one of my parents. When I put my mind to something it becomes my overarching goal in all of my actions. Even now, in writing this I am trying to better understand my goals through processing them in words.

And yet, as I consider the plans that I have made in my life for where I wanted it to be and where I would like to see it go, I can safely say, I have no idea.

Seriously. Do I still have desires for what I would like to accomplish? Of course! Have I lapsed into some sort of apathy? By no means! Rather, I am beginning to understand "The Plan."

I have either heard or heard  two or three sermons references in the past week that each made the same point. Each used different words but the truth is the same: There is no Plan B.

When discussing the issue of The Fall and sin and why God allowed Adam and Eve to sin many theories over the centuries have developed. But each of the false ones fall short in one critical arena. They all assume that God screwed up and had to make a new plan that involved Jesus dying on the cross. We were made perfect and we were intended to be perfect for all of eternity, and then something slipped up and either man plunged us into sin, or God allowed us to be plunged therein. Either way, both of these presuppositions assume that God is NOT sovereign and that He somehow adjusted His plan after man sinned.

But that is simply not true. There was never a Plan B. It was, is, and always will be Plan A!

This is not only comforting theologically, but practically as well. Something I am learning most Reformed believers struggle at grasping. I don't mean to criticize, but as a child of the Reformed tradition I have seen in how many ways my fellow Reformed brothers and sisters fail to live out practically the truths we theologically understand. We turn everything into a theological test and as long as we have an answer that retains our apologetic, we are satisfied. For all intensive purposes, we allow our theological understanding to turn us into Super-Calvinists. Although we don't believe that to be true, our actions would speak to the contrary.

What I have seen, however, is many non-Reformed believers who actively pursue holiness and imitation of Christ on a practical and humble level every day of their lives in a way that I have never seen in the Reformed community. I have been both humbled and convicted by these faithful witnesses of Christ as they demonstrate in thought, word, and deed how Christ has changed them forever and there is no turning back.

I believe that part of my obsession with the plan comes from my Reformed upbringing. Some Reformed believers use having a bullet-proof apologetic as a means to appear as if they are in control. That they have a knowledge that will ultimately protect them from the uncertainties of life and the struggles of faith that each person will go through in this life. We allow our answers to every questions keep us from turning to God in true faith because our faith is found in words and logical conclusions, not a heart that is humbly and fearfully clinging to the Cross of Christ.

This has also been how I have looked at the plan of my life. Whenever I hear someone say, "I have no idea what I am doing, and I am ok with that." Although not my first reaction, upon further thought, I realize that I am saying to myself, "Wow! I'm glad I'm not that guy."

What a sick and prideful response. I must be a sinner or something? But it's true. I do think in those terms because I fear not having a plan. I fear not knowing the direction of my life or where God is leading me. Of course this doesn't mean that I sit around and simply pray saying,"God give me direction." And then just wait for an answer. It doesn't work that way. Neither does it always go according to the plan that we believe God has laid out for us.

We can't just sit around and we can't spontaneously just jump into new life changing circumstances either. We must ask for counsel, prayerfully consider the consequences of the potential change, but most importantly, move forward in faith. It's never easy stepping out in faith, and yet I have never looked back in my life and said, "Man, that step of faith was totally not worth it." It's ALWAYS worth it!

Whether not giving up on a seemingly hopeless friendship, trekking across Europe by myself, or entering a new job with no former experience, Christ has guided every step by His amazing grace!

Sometimes I forget about that. I forget the amazing grace that is constantly working within me and in which I can rest, knowing that all things work for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. But it's always there working within me, even when I don't think it is.

Seeing the big picture is an essential part of planning as well. Trying to imagine hat my life would be like in 5,10,15,20,30, or 40 years and how my actions now will affect those later years. But God calls us to think even beyond that. In one of the most incredible books I have ever read, K.P. Yohanan calls every Christian to Live in the Light of Eternity. To understand that not only do our actions reflect our futures here on Earth, but that we are called to commit ourselves to Christ's Kingdom in Eternity and that is our true purpose for living on this planet for the short period of time that we are here.

My plan has been to pursue a career in Christian Counseling by going to Westminster Theological Seminary to pursue a Masters of Divinity with an emphasis in Counseling and study under men such as Ed Welch, David Powlison, Paul Tripp, and Timothy Lane. But I don't know if that's where God is calling me. It's been sort of a safe bet for me to go to seminary for the past year or so. I thought to myself, I don't have a sense of direction, but at least I know that in Seminary I'll be glorifying God better than I am here and that must be the best thing, right? Right?

I'm now starting to think that may not be true. Maybe it was simply a defensive diversionary tactic in my mind. Playing it safe rather than taking the hard way. I still don't know.

I ask myself all the time, "Ok, God. How are you putting all of these things together?" Christian Counseling seemed logical to me. It seemed to make all of the pieces fit together in the puzzle of my life according to how I see it. But therein lies the problem. According to how I see it. The fact remains that I can't see all the pieces and I am simply trying to keep the ones that I know I have put together in some sort of cohesive state until more are revealed to me.

I like that analogy of a puzzle. It accurately depicts exactly how I try and manouvre my life. But the fact is that the puzzle will not be put together in this life. It will always be a mess of different pieces being put together in wrong places and being fixed until the day when the Puzzle Maker will put them all together exactly where they belong.

I don't know what pieces the Lord will lay in front of me next. But I do know that the pieces will all come together in eternity and that it is simply my responsibility to continue to trust in God that He is ultimately putting all of the pieces together.

I hope you all find similar peace in the plan that God has for your lives. I pray these thoughts encourage you to give up the false security of a plan conceived in your mind and give you hope and strength to cling to the plan that God has in store for you. The never changing Plan A.

Sleepless Nights...

Sadly, yet again, I have been remiss to post more often on my new blog. Although I try to not get too caught up in the whole, “I ought to post more often” thing, I am still human and like trying to keep myself accountable to my loyal fan…(s?) So dear reader it is 1am on my day off. Why am I still up, you ask? Because, I tell you, for whatever reason, sleep has decided to escape from me for the past three weeks or so. To be honest I blame my sister. She kicked me out of sleeping on the basement couch a couple weeks ago and it’s been downhill ever since.

Do you have to have the perfect or at least almost perfect sleeping arrangement in order to fall asleep? Let me assure you, I DO! I need it cold, and quiet, and with a big comforter and a supportive and yet flexible pillow. Lord willing I will one day find a wife with similar qualities.

These ideal conditions have evaded me for quite some time now. It’s like when you go back to sleeping on a twin size bed after sleeping on a full or queen size for a period of time. It requires some adjustment. Normally, I can simply position myself against the wall and it works itself out. However, this hasn’t been working lately. Similar techniques such as adopting the fetal position, obscene drinking, and children’s Nyquil have also failed.

Desperation is not becoming of anyone. Except perhaps a small puppy that just wants some love, but besides puppies, desperation is never good. And yet, this is my reality at the moment. Many people have told me that they can identify with needing sleep simply as a needed respite from the work and pressures that the day has brought upon them. During those nights I can typically force myself asleep. On nights like tonight, however, where I have practically nothing to do tomorrow besides wash my uniform and go to the bank, staying up till 3am doesn’t seem so bad except trying to stay up that late doing anything productive is an exercise in futility. And anyone who has exercised often in futility knows how futile it is and has decided to eat a sandwich instead.

Blogging and listening to music seem to be my only two sources of relief on nights like these. Tonight I happen to be streaming through the list of different songs covered by Karmin in an effort to amuse myself. Other nights I seek to educate myself by watching videos of different violinists on Youtube or opera arias sung by my favorite singers such as Natalie Dessay or Cecilia Bartoli.

Speaking of music, this week I purchased the new Maroon 5 album Hands All Over, and honestly, I really like it. I remember in high school when Maroon 5 was very popular and since then they haven’t really done much. I maybe Hillsdale just shut me off from whatever they were doing, but honestly I really like their sound that they have on this album. It’s a lot of fun and it includes a cover of Alicia Keys’ If I Ain’t Got You that is awesome! If you’re looking for a good pick me up album for your chore days or for on your way to work, I recommend Maroon 5 to you.

So my question to you is, how do you kill time like insomnia? I’ve tried reading, but honestly, something within me is repulsed by the idea of reading past midnight. Maybe it’s just bad memories from high school and college, but I want to enjoy my reading with tea or coffee with the daylight streaming in on my couch as I educate myself and pause to contemplate whilst looking out the living room window.

Perhaps I will be fortunate enough to be able to live out this picture tomorrow. Let’s hope so. I would appreciate your prayers that I might be able to find a solution to my sleepless ways. Otherwise, more late night ranting will occur. In any case, I am going to try and reading some music and follow along with a recording and hope that helps. Bruch’s Scottish Fantasy is a great piece for just such an occasion. Have a wonderful night all, and I hope that you all sleep better than I do. Ciao!

How do you spend your time?

Time. The age old vestige. Can’t really escape it. Constantly stresses us out and at some deeper level I think terrifies us all. But without getting all existential and philosophical, I would like to pose a question: What does a 23-year old do with his time? This is the question, as a 23-year old, I have been asking myself. Friends have been discussing how much they miss college and how “real life” isn’t as good as college life. Many people say their college days were their best days. Personally, I always found that to be sad. Did I make the best friends I have now in college? Absolutely! But do our friendships exist only within the framework of college? Absolutely not! We’re all going through the same stuff now that we are graduated. Granted I am not married or having a baby or teaching at some great school. But for the 4% of Hillsdale graduates, there is much to be lived for outside of college and now the question is simply, how do I live it?

So I have a job. This job is great. It pays the bills, enables me to save up a vast majority of my money for graduate school, and at the same time I can still buy great cheese, wine, and other food delicacies that make life fun and demonstrate the incredible diversity of the awesome God that we serve. But there is still more time. The job takes up about 45 hours a week when you factor in the driving time. But if I am being totally honest with myself, I sleep in till about 11 every day. Part of it is recovery from work, but a bigger part of it is simply not having anything else to do.

I remember while I was a student at Hillsdale I would wake up at 7:50AM every day leave the house by 8:45 and not come back until 1:00AM when I would slump into bed and sleep for almost 7 hours and do it all over again. For 17 hours a day I was running my butt off from one thing to the next. It was great! I am very much a workaholic I have noticed. So should I get another part time job? Is that a wise usage of my time? On top of my job I also always feel a need to be learning and therefore I have been reading books like When People Are Big and God Is Small by Ed Welch and A Quest For More by Paul Tripp. These books are part of a series that I purchased from CCEF, which is the Christian Counseling organization I desire to be a part of one day. These authors are the men I hope to study under when I go to Westminster one day soon and therefore I want to make myself as familiar with their works as possible. Since I can’t be in classes, reading their books is the 2^nd best thing.

So do I get another job? Do I focus more on reading and studying? Where does God’s Word fit into all of this? While I was living in France last year I started writing a personal Commentary on the book of Acts. It was extremely encouraging and uplifting and I have been remiss to begin writing them again out of the struggle of being a sinner that exists so strongly in my heart.

Questions of time. How to spend it. And actually having the motivation to do it. Saying to myself, do it yourself and be diligent to stay consistent with it. And of course, all of these ideas assume that there are no other distractions in my life. Like paying bills, or returning overdue movies to RedBox, or shaving on a regular basis. These all take away from the time I have as well. It would be an interesting movie to see how people would act if our time weren’t limited. Make the setting for the movie our same society and culture, but make everyone immortal. I would love to know how many chiropractors and massage therapists there would be. How often people get together for a coffee date. Why rush? There’s all the time in the world to get together and talk. Many more ideas come to mind as well, but I will leave you with those ones.

I have to go get ready for work now because sadly, my time is limited and I only had 20 minutes to write this. Happy Thursday! Ciao!

For the Love of Cheese!

 Generally with my work schedule I usually don’t blog during my days off. I work Tuesday-Saturday and therefore my Sundays and Mondays are rather precious to me in terms of spending time with people and resting and recovering. Last weekend I was able to go to Jonesville and Hillsdale and have a really nice visit with Ben Parker and some of my last remaining friends at the college who are now seniors.

This weekend however, I decided to just stay home, not really do that much. Well, not doing that much ended up turning into a lot, actually. On Sunday I met up with my friends Nathan and Amanda at church and we ended up going out for $5 all you can eat pizza and then to a really cool outdoor expo in Rochester called Arts and Apples. Lots of venders, lots of art, bands playing outside, it was great. Tons of people just walking around and you get to look and, if you have 8 trillion dollars, buy some pretty little things. I ended up purchasing this really cool drawing of Central Hall from Hillsdale with a small poem on it that will end up going next to my diploma that I finally received from Hillsdale earlier this year. It will be my personal little corner of appreciation to Hillsdale.

Yesterday Nathan and Amanda came over to my place, seeing as how I usually go over to theirs, and we decided to go to the Franklin Cider Mill. As Julie Robison and I have discussed, you don’t live in the Midwest unless your favorite season is Fall. And one of the best parts of the Fall, is Apple Cider. I remember growing up how it was one of my favorite places to go because we got to see the big old water wheel inside the mill and then go get hot doughnuts and cider and sit by the river and feed the ducks. Yesterday I made the realization that this so called river, is more like a creek and the only reason the ducks are there is because they know there is a consistent source of food.

I discovered something else there yesterday that perhaps maybe I was blind to in the past. But the Cider Mill had almost a small farmers market on their grounds. Nathan and Amanda bought an Apple Riesling Salsa that I thought sounded amazing over pork chops. I ended up purchasing two different types of cheeses. One was a butter cheese and the other a soft cheese with lots of chives and garlic that made it taste like Au Gratin potatoes without the potatoes. After picking up these cheeses and half a dozen doughnuts and a half gallon of cider, we decided to walk to the nice little park in the village of Franklin, one of the most historic villages in Michigan.

We opened the cheese, with much difficulty I might add seeing as how the only serrated utensil we had was a plastic knife, and much to our surprise realized that the two cheeses actually tasted quite delicious together and thought they would go great in fondue. Well naturally this lead to us coming back home, but not before stopping to buy a Zingerman’s Sourcream Coffeecake, and finding a recipe for fondue and Nathan using his awesome culinary skills to whip up a great fondue that we had for lunch with some chicken that mom had marinated from the night before and cooked to accompany the fondue.

After eating ourselves into food comas, we decided that the only appropriate course of action was to make coffee and watch Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. If you have never seen this movie and you are between the ages of 20-30, you might not have a soul. JK. No, but seriously. Go watch this movie! It’s hysterical. There really is no other movie like it and you will laugh the entire way through.

Well, by the time the movie was over, mom was talking about dinner and how we had steaks that needed to be cooked. Well, we needed a few more in order to have enough for everyone who was going to be around, so naturally, we went out to Plum Market to find a couple more steaks and on the way we just so happened to run into mushrooms, a sweet Hungarian Red Wine, a very sweet Michigan Late Harvest Riesling, the Best Cheese in the World, and an XO Gouda. How dare I make the claim that it was the best cheese in the world, you ask? Well, it wasn’t me. It was actually voted as the best cheese in the world in 2008. I have to tell you, they might be right. It’s a gruyere from France that has been aged for 18 months. Combined with a good baguette, it might change your life.

So we brought all of this back and had a feast of a dinner with all of cheese, steak, mushrooms, and then we grilled zucchini and mom baked some turnips. It all turned out quite stunningly and allowed for an amazing evening. Oh, I almost forgot. Dessert! We bough some day old Zingerman’s Jumbleberry pies and cut those into quarters to have with Mackinaw Island Fudge  Ice Cream. Nom Nom Nom. So delicious.

By the end of it all, I felt like I had consumed more dairy in that one day than the entire country of Sri Lanka does in a year. It was pretty intense. But cheese is so good! Sometimes I feel really bad for my friends that are lactose intolerant because it’s not their fault that their bodies can’t handle dairy. It’s the manufacturers that stuff so many extra chemicals into it that cause people to develop allergens to dairy. At times I even feel it as well. I generally don’t eat much yogurt anymore because every time I do, my stomach feels like it’s being punched in knots for hours. But cheese isn’t meant to be eaten in gratuitous fashion. It’s meant to be enjoyed for the flavor that it is with bread or jam and sometimes sandwiches. We tend to overload everything with cheese in America. We think, “This stuff is great, give me half a pound of it on my burger please!”

But in France, they eat cheese at the end of every meal like dessert. My host mom would always pull out 5 or 6 different types of cheese and say, “Est-ce que vous voulez du fromage?” Would you like some cheese? Every night the same question. Why? Because the French love cheese. And as they should. Their cheese in great!

The guy who let me sample the cheeses at Plum Market that we ended up purchasing told me he had been working there for 2 weeks. I thought to myself, this guy knows his cheese pretty well. And he probably learned all of this in the last two weeks. I could do that. I’ve been learning about wine and food pairings, cheese is a part of that, right? Just adds to the fun and the pretension. So I might try and get a job at either Plum Market or maybe Whole Foods in their cheese department so I can try and learn about cheese.

Haven’t you always wondered how they make the cheeses the way they do? How they get into the giant wheels? Where they age them and at what temperature? There are so many questions about cheese, and I am sure a whole culture as well, that I would love to become more familiar with. I’ll keep you all posted as to where that goes and hopefully have answers to those questions soon, without cheating by looking on Wikipedia.

That’s all for now. Ciao!

The Cardinall's Musick and Bad Wine

A few things to discuss this evening: Wine, Music, and Work.

I don't want to dwell too much on work on this blog, simply because I don't want it to become a means for me to complain about things that occur at the restaurant unless me recounting a story has some other redeeming purpose attached to it. 

That will not stop me from complaining though about how AWFUL the wine has been that I have been drinking lately. Maybe it's simply because I have been talking about great wines for the past 3 months at the restaurant and so it's caused a change in my palette. But I expect more out of my wine and the wine I've been drinking has just not met the standard. 

If you recall the last wine that I had talked about was a Chardonnay. It wasn't bad. But it really wasn't great either. The Pinot Grigio that I finished last night was intentionally not mentioned upon this blog because it really isn't worth mentioning besides to say that it paired very well with the Triple Layer Chocolate Mousse Cake that I brought home from the restaurant for my Mom for her 60th birthday last night. I have been saving a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc thinking that it would be the best of the three white wines I had left of the collection I had bought from WineInsiders. 

And the result....the worst of the three. It's pretty awful. Considering that Sauvignon Blanc is a more complex wine for a white. This is pretty lacking. Pretty much nothing on the nose and then it tastes like a buttery water when it's in your mouth followed by a few notes of citrus at the end. I'm sorry, but who designs a wine and says, "I want this to taste as if I had both butter and water in my mouth at the same time."? I'm sorry. NOBODY! That's an awful combination. I might have to just pour the bottle out and buy some vodka or something just to get the flavor of the wine out of my mouth and help me forget that this wine ever happened. *As I take another sip.* Nope....still pretty bad. Oh well. I am gonna finish the glass quickly and quietly and try and pretend like it never happened. 

Something I DO want to remember though is the CD I got in the mail today. For those who don't know, I am absolutely infatuated with Renaissance music. Anything by Willian Byrd, Palestrina, Josquin Du Prez, or Thomas Tallis I will pretty much love. It's just that great! The Tallis scholars have been one of my favorite groups to listen to because their harmonies are outstanding and their interpretation is light and true to the style of the period. 

Today I received my cd of  Allegri's Misere Mei Deus and The Early Music of Rome as sung by The Cardinall's Musick. For those who aren't familiar with the Cardinall's Musick, which I wouldn't blame you if you weren't, however, they were recently named by England's Gramaphone magazine to be the #3 choir in the world. In comparison, the Tallis Scholars were named #11. I thought to myself, there is no way that there are 10 choirs in the world that are better than the Tallis Scholars. Then I heard them sing. And I was BLOWN away. 

Their harmonies were even tighter than the Tallis Scholars and the richness of sound coming from the men in the choir was stunning in comparison with the Tallis Scholars. Just more power, better intonation, and stunning harmonic understanding. The only negative I can say about the first CD of theirs that I purchased was that the women on the CD were just not as strong as the men. The harmonies were still incredible, but it was something that I noticed every time I listened. The women for the Tallis Scholars were top notch, while the men for the Cardinall's Musick were top notch. Just a matter of preference I suppose. 

Well, boy have they fixed that problem on this latest cd. The cd features as it's feature work Gregorio Allegri's Misere Mei Deus which is one of the most famous Renaissance pieces out there. For those are relatively familiar with Renaissance music, it's the one that repeats five times and the soprano jumps up to a high C for each verse in stunning fashion. 

Now mind you, I have heard multiple recordings of this work with the soprano part being sung by both women and young boys, but none compare to the soprano the Cardinall's Musick has singing with them on this recording. It's really quite remarkable lately. I was listneing to it on my way home this evening from work and thinking to myself, "There's not way that is actually humanly possible!" Of course it's possible that they tampered with the sound in editing, but I don't think that is what has happened with this CD. I think the Cardinall's Musick has something remarkable happening with them and it's this. They are trying to use the unison sound of their voices to imitate an organ. Yes, an organ. I had never considered it before, but the organ has a very pure sound to it. It's often too much for my ears. Although I can appreciate the majesty of the instrument and historically the role that it has played in music, it's just a lot for me to handle. 

But when a choir is so in tune that they sound like an organ they are doing something truly incredible. They turn every piece they sing into an absolute musical gem. If you love the sound of early and Renaissance music, I highly encourage you to get this cd. It's absolutely wonderful! I look forward to listening to it every day going to and from work for the next few days and becoming more intimately acquainted with it. 

That's all I have for now. I suppose two posts in one day will hopefully make up for the lack of posts from some other days. Ciao for now!

Sticking Out in the Biz

Keeping this blog going consistently can be tough. I remember when I was in Europe how much easier it was to blog about everything almost everyday because I was spending so much of my time just soaking in my surrounding and thinking about it in literary terms and how I would describe it all on my blog.

I don't really see myself doing that anymore. I don't really walk into work and say, "As my slip-proof black leather shoes grip the floor and the smell of roasting bacon and raw chicken soaks itself onto my uniform vest making me irresistable to rabid dogs and raccoons alike, I see my Bengali coworkers and think, 'how do you say hello in Bengali?'"

These things don't really happen. They are part of the everyday grind and don't really stick out. What sticks out is the customer that walks in wearing a dress that shows the rolls of back fat that she has and then complains about everything not being absolutely perfect and looking for a way to get free stuff.

This is sadly what has become the norm at my restaurant. A lot of people looking for a reason to not have to pay for their meal or if they do have to pay for their meal, how to get the most free stuff on top of the check where they will leave a 5% tip.

I can't tell you how refreshing it is though when you have a table that is remarkably nice. They love everything. They appreciate every step of service that we take, and when we make their night special by offering them a complimentary dessert for their birthday and write "Happy Birthday" on the plate in raspberry icing and simply add a candle, they light up and then leave you a 30% tip.

Naturally, I don't expect that to be the norm. But I will tell you that customers that really appreciate what the restaurant does truly does make a big difference. Here's why.

Ultimately, my coworkers and I are all salesmen. And everyone knows that in order to be a good salesman you have to believe in the product that you are selling. At my restaurant this is very easy. The meat is absolutely outstanding and we offer an atmosphere of class and fun in a very specific way that most other restaurants don't come close to touching. This helps each of the employees to take pride in the work that they are doing because they know that they are part of something special. They are part of making someone's evening memorable. Helping them to try something new, to learn something, and maybe create a wonderful memory.

Honestly, it's not about the return customers for me. It's not about offering them the best experience so that they come back over and over again. It's about those few minutes that I have with that table to make an impression on them. It's my chance to say to them, "You want to have an amazing time? Let's do it!" And it's fun!!! When something goes wrong like when a table has to order 5 different wines before they finally find one that we actually have in stock, you don't consistently apologize over and over as if I had done something wrong. There was nothing I could do about the wines being gone. So by the time they finally get their wine and they take that first sip, it's truly a victorious moment to see the look of satisfaction cross their face.

It's all in the details. The details make the largest difference in the world at a restaurant like ours. And I pride myself in paying a lot of attention to the details that are written all over my customer's faces.

It's part of the reason I want to get into counseling actually. God has given me a gift where I can read people very easily. I can see when someone just wants to be left alone and when they want to talk some more purely by instinct. It makes a huge difference in the restaurant because you begin to be able to know what's going to get you the bigger tip.

We have a server who will get a tip off of one table of $100 probably once a week. This has happened to me I think once or twice in the three months that I have worked there. Why does it happen to him more frequently? Maybe it's luck of tables. But I think it's something more than that.

I think he sees who is going to be paying the check, and he does whatever he can to make sure that they are impressed. He's looking for the guy that wants to get laid and is willing to pay $300 on a dinner to help him. He will buy the wine that is $150 and then this server will compliment him on his choice and tell the lady what great taste the guy has, thus impressing her and making a larger impression on her for the rest of the evening.

Hate to say it. But this is how it goes. I know because I've seen it. I've had those tables myself and I don't help him. I will recommend a nice bottle of wine and tell the gentleman that the two of them will really enjoy the bottle. But I don't look at any particular male customer and think, "I'll help you out if you help me out." This whole, "I'm gonna get mine" mentality is not at all why I am working as a server.

That's not to say that I don't work hard to get a good tip. But I use the rules of courtesy and good service in order to get that tip, not an overarching sense of greed for money or sex.

These things stick out though. Every server has their ways. Perhaps another time I'll mention how girls will consistently get better tips than guys, especially if their attractive. It's just a fact of life.

In the meantime though, I will continue to do my job to the best of my ability knowing that consistency will ultimately win out. It plays a much larger role than we recognize and I believe that it plays a large kingdom role as well. It demonstrates to those who have eyes to see that we need to be looking at things with a big picture mentality. With eyes looking towards eternity and God's kingdom glory. That's the point. And that's what I hope sticks out.

Ciao!

Work and Creativity

Dear Reader,

I am sorry I have been remiss in my writing for the past few days. My work schedule makes it so when I get a day off I try to visit with real people, as opposed to those virtual friends I hold so dear.

Last night, I finally finished the bottle of the River Crest Vintner’s Chardonnay that I had been working on for over a week. So glad that bottle is finally over.

I was glad that last night is over as well. As I have mentioned before, the restaurant industry can be tremendously inconsistent and the past two days have proven this. Tuesday was pretty slow until 9 o’clock when we had about 40 people come in totally unexpectedly. And last night we had over 200 people in the restaurant and yet I still didn’t get many covers.

It’s hard sometimes in the biz because everyone complains nonstop and therefore, I relate to everyone on these terms. We talk about how we didn’t get enough covers. Or a manager wasn’t there when we needed them, or a busser, or there weren’t enough napkins. There’s always something. And this is sadly how we all relate. It’s just a little sad to me sometimes. Of course it’s not the only way in which we relate. When we have a slow night we have an opportunity to talk about stuff going on in our minimal lives outside of the restaurant. In fact, we are talking about going to a Lion’s game when they play on Monday Night Football if we can get tickets. Not sure what the chances are, but it would be fun to go and watch the game and just hang out during a day when we aren’t all working.

In other news, I just finished a great book. It’s called A Quest For More by Paul David Tripp. This book’s premise is simply this. You have been designed by God for much more than your own life. Something greater and bigger than your own dreams and desires. He then talks about what this looks like in terms of kingdoms. When you live your life only for yourself and for your dreams and desires, you limit your satisfaction and contentment to your own life. Essentially it’s like a box and saying, “This box is my life. When I have accomplished these things, then my box will be complete and I will be happy and satisfied.”

What Paul Tripp does so well is to point out that this is instinctively what every single human does because of sin. And as a result we engage in warfare with God because God is inviting us into His Kingdom and we are settling for our own. We think that our kingdom goals and pursuits will satisfy us, when in reality, it will only leave us totally empty and searching even more fruitlessly.

In one of the chapters Tripp makes an incredible analogy to Jazz music. In Jazz music the musicians are given a set of rules and a key signature and a time signature. However, the notes are left totally up to their own creativity and how they respond to what the other musicians are doing. What’s amazing about this is that God’s plan for humanity works exactly the same way. He has given us the key and time signature and the framework that we can work with. But when everyone else is playing in E Major and you decide to start playing in A-Flat. Of course it’s not going to be pleasing to the ears. This is exactly what we do when we live outside of God’s Law. We typically view the laws that God has given us as a negative. As a set of rules constraining us. But do Jazz musicians get upset because they are playing in E Major? Of course not. It’s the music that they have been given and they will make the most of it that they can.

We don’t look at God’s Law as a means of creativity, but that’s exactly what it is. God has given us every opportunity to be as creative with giving, showing love and mercy, forgiveness as we can. It’s really amazing when you think about it in those terms.

I hope this encourages you. I will be back later with more about wine and other delicious things. But until then, rest in the creativity that God has allowed you to share with the world. Ciao!

Detroit's Finest?

So let's talk about my job for a minute. Or maybe a few minutes. For those who don't know, I am currently employed at a Brazilian steakhouse in downtown Detroit. For the sake of my career I have decided to not name any names of anyone at the restaurant as well as refrain from keeping the name of the restaurant off of this blog.

However, this will not stop me from talking about some of the intricacies and sometimes consistent frustrations of being a server in Detroit. Here's the thing. For those of you actively seeking employment I offer one small piece of advice: If you need the approval of others, don't become a server! You will come across so many inconsistencies and scenarios that you could never write them all down.

Imagine if this blog were entirely dedicated to me talking about every single customer I had every night. You would not want to read this. Of course there are customers that are rare exceptions, (Mr. Drooly Man, so named for having drooled on the floor of the salad area while I got him some salad dressing. A.k.a. "That weird guy" by my manager.) But the sheer number of inconsistencies is absolutely remarkable.

Here's how it works and then why frustration begins to develop. Essentially based off of how the table looks, dresses, acts, interacts with you, and speaks, you can pretty much make an accurate estimation of how much they are going to tip you. Mind you, this restaurant has as it's starting price for dinner $39.99 so  20% of a bill of two dinners that's $84.78 with tax is about $16. Of that $16, I get 50% if it's a credit card tip, and about 85% if it's cash. So just off of 2 dinners I can get about ten bucks. Say I get 30 dinners in one night, I could make upwards of over $150. Not bad for a server. Particularly one who has never served in a restaurant before.

However, there are always going to be cases where people stiff you and leave you nothing, or almost next to nothing. It's awful to say, but sometimes when a party walks in, you pray to God that they get sat in someone else's section so that you can get the other table that hopefully won't stiff you because they look "normal."

But even these stereotypes fail as well. Judging a book by its cover has never been 100% accurate. Nor will it ever be. Of course there are some factors that will indicate that they probably won't tip you very well. Some people consider the restaurant to be like a really high end All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet and think, "I don't tip at the buffet. Why would I tip here?" Other people are just jerks. And still others are Germans who don't know that servers only make $2.65 an hour here in the USA.

In Germany, if you give anywhere from 5-10% in a tip, it's considered generous. Extra spending cash that goes straight into their pocket. Not the case here in the US. We need our tips. So when my two Germans tonight end up with a bill of $144 between the two of them and then leave me $150 total. It can get irritating.

Here's why. You do your absolute best to not only offer exceptional service, but to stick out in their mind as an amazing server who has done their best to try and impress you so that you recognize the work that your server is doing and give them a little bit extra on the side.

We are referred to as "The Best Servers in Detroit" Or as I like to think of it, "Detroit's Finest!" Within these two subtle words lies a double entendre, one of my favorite things in the entire world. In the restaurant industry, to walk into a restaurant and say, "Give me Chicago's Finest, New York's Finest, or Detroit's Finest," is a really fancy way of saying, "I'll just have tap water."

Sometimes I feel like we are just tap water though. We do our best to be that bottle of Saratoga Natural Spring or Sparkling Water that costs $5.25 a bottle. But in reality, we are just tap water. Detroit's Finest.

Somehow though, it always seems to even itself out. It's really amazing how one table that should have given you $15 and left you $5 instead will be instantly be followed by a table that should only leave you $8 and give you $18 instead thus the two cancel each other out. Interestingly enough as well, so far I haven't had a night where it hasn't evened out, at least almost fully. I haven't had a night where everyone just screwed me over, or everyone really tipped me very well. It's always about an 18% average. And at a place like this, that's really not that bad.

With one small stipulation. You have to have covers! Covers = Customers. At the end of the night we each ask each other, "How many covers did you have?" Essentially we want to know, did you have more than me, are you going to make more money than me, and if so, when am I going to get my shot at making that much money?

Of course there are going to be those tables that walk in, absolutely love you, and leave you $120 on an $80 check. Those are the outliers though that throw off the whole system. Tuesday this past week was an outlier night. It was really amazing to see every single server walk out at the end of the night knowing they were going to be seeing over $100 on their paycheck the following Friday from that night. That never happens. Lucky tables and having a lot of people walk-in, helps with making this a reality. But yet again, this is the outlier.

Tonight was a much better example of a typical night. Where we have 11 servers on the books and the fact is, in splitting 200 covers between all of you, you are probably going to end up with somewhere around 20 and its just luck of the draw, (Or perhaps how the hostesses are feeling) for how much those covers decide to spend, and then in turn give you as a tip.

But the fact is. You never know. It's always inconsistent. You wanna know how every server story begins, "So one time I had this table..." Every table is their own story and has their own shtick. (Yay Yiddish!) I have hundreds of stories I could tell and I have only been working there for three months. I could tell you about the experience of each of my tables tonight. Tables I thought I gave awful service to, who gave me great tips, and tables I thought absolutely loved me and I did everything perfectly, and they leave me 10%.

It's totally inconsistent. "So Ben, how do you deal with all of this inconsistency without going insane?" Well Reader, thank you for asking. In fact sometimes I feel as if my sanity is totally on the brink of explosion. However, I have been trying to train myself to incorporate my mother's advice into this area of my life. "In all things, have an attitude of gratitude." When a table spends $96 and leaves $100 total. Be grateful that they paid the bill and even left you something. Of course, when you get that triple figure tip, it throws off that whole system and you start to think to yourself, "Wow! Every table is going to be like this!" Even though you know as you are thinking it that will never be the case.

It's entirely up and down. You win some and you lose some. I often think to myself. Would I prefer a salaried position where my pay wasn't determined by my performance with each customer? I honestly don't know. Somehow I think that Office Space sort of living might drive me more insane. However, I also think that the security aspect of it would be awesome. I might make $1,000 in a week. I might make $300 in a week. you just never know. But honestly, that's life. You never know. It has its ups and downs. You win some and you lose some. Here's what I have been learning though.

Some people at this point might say, "It's not about how many you win or lose, it's about the game" Or perhaps they would talk about "the journey" that makes the whole thing worth it. Allow me to say right now, that all of that is false. It's not about how many you win or lose. It's not about the game, or the journey, or whatever you want to call it. It's about knowing that you live for something bigger than the game.

You exist in an arena larger than just the game itself. You were designed by God to play His game and play it His way. It's not about your game or your perception of what the game is. It's His game, and it's going to be played exactly how He wants it to be played. So stop measuring your wins and losses, and start looking at the big picture of glorifying God in every action, thought, word, and deed.

As I drive to work every day, I find this task more and more daunting. Trying to step outside of the realm of the game, while still being a part of the game. (I know the game metaphor has been going on for a while, I'll stop soon.) It's not easy. It's constantly put right in front of you. You just have to be aware that there is more. That God intended us for more. He intended us for perfect glory with Him. And the more we focus on being conformed to the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. The more and more we will step out of our own worlds, (games) and begin to live for the Kingdom of God.

I highly recommend (one "C" two "M's") the book A Quest For More by Paul David Tripp. It is these themes exactly of learning to get out of living for our own personal kingdoms and start learning how to live for Christ's Kingdom and His alone, that make this book so invaluable to Christians everywhere. Often we masquerade our own personal selfish kingdoms with Christian talk that makes it appear as if we are living for Christ and are wholly surrendered to Him, when in reality, Christ is but a shallow veil over our otherwise selfish lives and our perception of our needs and desires.

This book has been teaching me a lot and has really opened my mind to see how much more there really is out there in the world that God has intended us for. We were not designed to lead insignificant lives as statistics that go to work from 9-5 every day for 60 years and then die. We are meant for so much more. Surrender to Christ, and begin to see the surpassing fullness of His grace in your life and in the lives of those around you.

I hope and pray Christ blesses you this evening and always. I am going to bed! Ciao!